


Come On And Slam (re-uploaded)

by genderwitch



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Crack Fic, M/M, Re Upload, please don't take this too seriously, zagene if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 10:38:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14747264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genderwitch/pseuds/genderwitch
Summary: When Shane and Ryan overhear an unfortunate anecdote involving sex and Space Jam, Shane takes it as a challenge. Will Ryan be able to make it through this without dying of laughter? Will our brave heroes manage to find release, or will they just fall short? What even IS Space Jam? Tune in to find out.





	Come On And Slam (re-uploaded)

Shane and Ryan had an intense chemistry not many people could claim to have experienced in their own relationships, as was obvious any time one was witness to the ebb and flow of banter the two tended to share. Small jabs, running jokes and bad puns were no strangers to the effortless conversations the couple had. Comedy was part of who they were, and that resonated with just about every aspect of their shared lives.

Which is why it was no surprise to either of them that they were just as joking and immature when it came to intimacy. While that undeniable tension kept a genuine passion burning in the pit of both of their stomachs, it was the mutual desire for competition and the similar sense of humor they shared that stoked the flames.

Most days this just meant the occasional joke or bad sex pun, which kept the mood light and happy. Most days Ryan would only roll his eyes in fond exasperation when Shane made a purposefully bad Lord Of The Rings metaphor when things started getting heated, or surprised Ryan with a ridiculously bad “sexy outfit” he’d most likely found on a late night Amazon deep dive. Most days Shane knew where the line was between actually funny and exhausting.

Today was not most days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somehow, amidst the light, joking conversation the pair, as well as their group of friends, were sharing over lunch, the topic of worst hook-ups had come up. Ryan cringed at some of the stories, others being so bad it drew laughing tears from a few of the lunchgoers. But the funniest by far was Zach’s.

“So as we all know, I’m the biggest player here.” Zach paused for a moment, waiting for everyone's giggles and groans to die down. “Okay, okay, anyways. So, a couple years back I went on a bar crawl with a few buddies. No big deal, right? I didn't drink much initially because I was trying to make it to the last bar and it's no secret I'm a bit of a lightweight. Now I wasn't trying or expecting to pick anyone up on this particular crawl, but at Bar #2 I started talking to this guy and he was, well, pretty cute. I don't remember his name but I ended up leaving the crawl early and we headed back to my place. Now, I'm not the most versed guy when it comes to hookup culture but there are two things I do know-”

“Give a fake name and leave before they wake up?”

“No! Wh- Eugene who hurt you? Jesus.” The group erupted into laughter, even though half of them couldn't tell if he was kidding or not. “No, the two things I know are don't let them use your bathroom until you've checked it for anything embarrassing, and mood music.”

The cacophony of groans that rose from the group made Zach laugh, none of them knowing exactly what was going to go wrong but bracing for the worst.

“So I told him to make himself comfortable, and rushed to the bathroom. Nothing embarrassing, no ointments, clean toilet, etc. So I think I'm all set right? And I'm like ‘I'm gonna queue up some sexy playlist and cast it to my speakers’, right? And I look back at my spotify that I haven't used in like a couple years, and BAM I'd already made a sexy playlist! Now, hasty me didn't think to actually check what was on that godforsaken playlist, and I walk out all suave and I lean against the door frame and hit play. And the look on this poor guys face when fucking Space Jam starts playing is burned into the back of my eyelids. He was laughing so hard he almost threw up and he had to go home.”

The second-hand embarrassment and absurdity of the situation had the group rolling. Ryan decided to throw in a quick “what, Michael Jordan doesn't do it for ya?” and the belly laugh Shane erupted with made it worth the joking glare Zach tossed at him.

Lunch carried on as usual, casual conversation and funny anecdotes being shared amongst the coworkers. Ryan did, however, notice Shane side-eyeing him a couple times, with that scheming little half-smile he adopted when he was planning something in his head. Ryan made the decision to ignore it, not giving Shane the attention he was looking for in hopes it would quell whatever stupid plan he'd come up with. It didn't.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Shane had told Ryan to ‘expect something extra special tonight’, Ryan didn't know whether to expect something jokingly out there or something serious, something exciting. He was hoping for the latter but knew Shane wouldn't disappoint him either way.

As he entered Shane’s apartment that evening, nothing seemed different. He carefully observed the living room from the front door as he toed off his shoes, making his way to the kitchen as he continued his search for what was in store for him this night.

“Shane? Are you home?” he spoke into the empty hallway. He didn't hear a voice in return, but instead heard faint music coming from Shane’s room.

Excitement tingled through his fingers as he hastily made his way down the hall, wondering what Shane had prepared for him. He wasn't usually a grand romantic gestures kinda guy, but Ryan pictured rose petals laid out, maybe a bath drawn.

What he didn't expect was to really listen to the song playing behind the bedroom door, only to realize what it was and get hit with a wave of confusion. Ryan opened the door, immediately regretting doing so as he hadn't realized how much the wooden barrier had muffled the sheer volume of the music playing.

“Is this fucking Space Jam?!” Ryan all but yelled over the booming speakers. It was a wonder Shane’s neighbors hadn't had him kicked out.

Even after Ryan swept his eyes across the room, he still hadn't caught any sight of Shane. Moments later he saw the man in question pop his head out of the bathroom connected to the bedroom.

“Oh, babe, you're home!” Shane said nonchalantly, hardly audible over the looping theme song.

“YEAH, AND I'M STARTING TO WISH I WASN'T.” Ryan all but shouted. Shane just looked at him and slipped back into the bathroom. Ryan couldn't hear himself think, and began to stomp over to the booming speakers before he felt a hard grip on his shoulder.

He felt a hot breath ghost over his ear before he heard Shane whisper,”If you so much as touch that dial you will not be cumming tonight.” The immediate switch from exasperation to arousal had Ryan’s head spinning as he stood stock still. Long fingers slid around the sides of Ryan’s throat, the firm squeeze a heady reminder of the power Shane had over him in moments like these.

The grip lightened and Ryan’s head tipped backwards, his crown connecting with the soft material of Shane’s t-shirt just below his collar bone.  
Shane ran his fingertips over Ryan’s hipbones, dipping below his waistband and dancing fingers along the V of his groin until Ryan was letting out a soft groan, pushing his pelvis forward. He was lost in the pleasure, the only sensations Shane’s insistent touches across his broad chest and his hot breath fanning across the top of Ryan’s head. Nothing else mattered except the pulsing, burning heat in Ryan’s cock. That is, until his brain registered the Quad City DJ’s shouting “come on and slam” and suddenly he was doubling over in laughter, the seriousness of the moment evaporating as he wheezed through another laughing fit.

Shane tried to keep a straight face but both the situation and the bright laughter coming from his boyfriend made him crack a grin.

“What, Michael Jordan doesn’t do it for ya, Ry? Why all the Jordans then? Was starting to think you had a sneaker fetish or something.”

“Sh-shut up Shane,” Ryan gasped, starting to recover from his laugh attack. As the laughter died down, Shane reached over Ryan’s shoulder to lower the blaring music, earning an appreciative sigh from the younger.

“How about this. We can keep the music down only if you promise not to buy any new Jordans for at least two months,” Shane proposed, a self-satisfied half-smile tugging at his mouth as Ryan slowly turned around, trapped between the shelves now behind him and the warm body in front of him. Usually Ryan would protest something like this, the idea that he shouldn’t be able to buy whatever he wanted with his hard-earned cash absurd. Fortunately for him, he had just ordered a new pair the day prior, and knew no new collections were being released any time soon. But he could let Shane think he won if it meant taking care of the insistent heat nestled deep in his abdomen.

Instead of using words, Ryan answered Shane’s proposition with a lopsided grin of his own, reaching up to wind his arms around the taller man’s shoulders. Tangling his fingers in the short strands at the base of his neck had started to feel like home, short gasps between parted lips sounding like soft music. And Shane’s prodding tongue against the base of his throat? Oh, that was Heaven.

Ryan was dizzy with want, every kitten lick and graze of teeth against his jugular sending hot lighting down his chest. Needy hands grabbed at the hem of his shirt, drawing a chuckle from him as he lifted the soft cotton above his head, tossing it in the general direction of the hamper.

“Desperate, are we?” he teased, pressing his torso against Shane, loving the way he could feel how hard he was against his stomach.

“Don’t act like you weren’t just putty in my hands, Bergara.” As if to prove his point, Shane dragged the blunt nails of one hand down Ryan’s naked torso, the other going to roughly grip at the short hairs on the back of his head, holding him in place. All Ryan could do was shiver and keen as Shane followed the raised red trail his nails left with his mouth, blowing cool air on the fresh scratches if only to see Ryan squirm.

“Shane, if you don’t- oh- don’t drill me into that mattress right now I’ll-” Ryan was cut off by the sharp pain of teeth digging into his hip bone, using every ounce of restraint he had not to thrust his hips into the warm face so close to his dick. A warm tongue laved over the fresh bite mark, sucking a wine-red bruise just above the hem of his jeans.

“You’ll what? Moan me to death?” Shane snarked, snaking his hands around to grope at Ryan’s ass. Looking up through his lashes, Shane knew he’d won when he saw just how wrecked Ryan looked. The pink scratches decorating the left side of his abdomen beautifully offset his tan skin, his hair flopped over his face, a wet bottom lip trapped between grinding teeth attempting to hold back keens and whimpers. Ryan only stared back, half-lidded eyes glazed over with want. Shane had him exactly where he wanted him.

“Need me to take care of you, baby?” Shane cooed. Any other time Ryan would scoff at the petname, insisting Shane not call him that. But in this moment, with his boyfriend at his feet, caressing him, Ryan only nodded, not protesting when Shane rose and pulled him back towards the large bed centered on the far wall.

Ryan climbed onto the bed, laying on his back and leaning on his elbows to watch as Shane removed first his shirt, each snapping button hypnotizing, then his jeans, sliding them to the floor and towards the slowly growing pile of clothes at the corner of the room. The way Shane slowly crawled up his body should be enough to push him over the edge alone, all swinging hips and long limbs. The length of Shane’s body covered Ryan’s own, hips meeting in a rough rhythm, just the right side of painful due to the rough denim still trapping Ryan.

“What do you want, Ry?” Shane spoke against his neck, slowing his thrusts.

“You really wanna know?” Ryan whispered into the top of his head.

“Of course, baby. What do you want.”

“I want to know what the fuck you were thinking trying to seduce me with Space Jam.” Shane’s movements slowed to a stop, the comment taking him off guard. It wasn’t until he felt the telltale shaking of Ryan’s shoulders beneath him giving away his quiet laughter that Shane relaxed, allowing a wheeze to escape his throat before pushing himself up onto his elbows, warmth filling his chest upon seeing the grin on the face of the man beneath him.

“Honestly? I didn’t think it would work. And yet…” Shane emphasized his point by sliding a hand down Ryan’s stomach, stopping to lightly rest over the present bulge in Ryan’s jeans.

“Wh-This isn’t because of Space Jam you fucking idiot!” Ryan breathed out between laughs, letting the gasping breaths turn to groans when Shane began to grip him in earnest.

“I’d say the giant boner currently in my hand says otherwise, but whatever helps you sleep at night.” Before Ryan could retort, Shane slid down his body, finally popping the button of his jeans and pulling down his fly. The immediate release of pressure on Ryan’s groin sent a wave of heat up his stomach, a feeling of finally settling deep at the base of his spine. Shane wasted no time in removing Ryan’s jeans and boxers, tossing them aside and running a lone finger up the underside of the pink cock in front of him.

As if by instinct Ryan’s thighs spread, inviting Shane to crowd in closer. Ryan had to close his eyes, bite his fist, do something to distract himself from the searing pleasure that coursed through his body as Shane prodded his tongue beneath the flushed crown in front of him, never applying quite enough pressure to satisfy, just enough to tease.

“Ah-Asshole,” Ryan gasped, flexing his hips where Shane had them pinned, desperately seeking his hot mouth.

“Well you are what you eat, so,” Shane mumbled, earning him an annoyed groan and a shove against his shoulder.

“If you don’t hurry up and fuck me I swear to God.” Ryan wound impatient fingers into Shane’s hair, tugging his face down and forward. Shane only took this as a challenge, placing a gentle kiss at the base of Ryan’s dick, trailing soft pecks and teasing breaths up the ruddy shaft until Ryan’s thighs were twitching in frustration. Deciding it was about time to give Ryan what he wanted, Shane took the velvety pink head into his mouth, laving at whatever he could fit into his mouth and reaching two fingers up towards Ryan’s face. The other man took the hint and sucked the long digits into his mouth, coating them with saliva and moaning around them as Shane continued to hollow his cheeks and bob his head. Shane retracted his fingers after he felt them sufficiently wet, rounding and teasing Ryan’s hole. He let Ryan’s length fall out of his mouth and onto the latter’s stomach, looking up at the man under him, searching his face for any signs of hesitance. They may have been doing this for quite some time now but consent was one thing the pair made sure never to skip.

“Ready?” Shane asked, Ryan only able to give a scratchy “yeah” as he watched Shane place a tender kiss at the junction of his thigh and groin and slowly push in the thick finger, letting out a slow breath as he forced himself to relax against the intrusion. The familiar burn and stretch faded into the background like white noise when Shane returned to his ministrations on Ryan’s dick, sucking him down further than previous and stroking what he couldn’t take with his free hand. Shane hummed, shooting vibrations down Ryan’s length as he added another finger, scissoring the two once Ryan had adjusted well enough. He took his time in taking Ryan apart with his fingers, enjoyed watching the flush covering his face travel down and spread out in blotches across Ryan’s chest. When Shane finally removed his fingers, Ryan whined at the emptiness, watching Shane move to the side of the bed to retrieve the lube stashed in the bedside drawer.

Shane removed his own boxers, warming some lube on his fingers and coating his shaft, giving himself a few tugs. He leaned over Ryan once, bracing himself with his elbow next to the other’s head. Aligning his cock with Ryan’s twitching hole, Shane looked down at the man below him.

“Okay?” he asked, teasing the rim of Ryan’s entrance with his cock, just barely pushing past the tight ring of muscle before retracting.

“For fucks s-“ Ryan hooked his ankles behind Shane’s lower back, the both of them moaning in tandem as Shane sunk deeper and deeper into Ryan until he bottomed out. The hot stretch Ryan felt only spurred him on further, thrusting his hips in an attempt to fuck himself on Shane’s length. It didn’t take much convincing before Shane was thrusting into Ryan at a bruising pace, pushing himself deeper and deeper into the tight heat around him until his hips were snapping brutally.

“Shane please-oh fuck-please I’m so close just please I’m-“ Ryan’s pleas caught in his throat, replaced by a broken moan as Shane began stroking his cock, angling his hips with practiced ease and biting hard into the junction of his shoulder until Ryan was cumming, shooting hit release between the two of them, Shane not far behind, his hips stuttering as he sang praises of “beautiful” and “so good for me, baby, fuck, look at you” until his thrusts slowed to a stop. Hot breaths mingled as Shane slowly pulled out of Ryan, both groaning at the oversensitivity, before he flopped down at Ryan’s side.

Shane reached past the warm body curling up next to him, retrieving his previously discarded boxers and cleaning the both of them up to the best of his abilities before tossing the dirty undergarments onto the clothing pile on the floor, settling down to lay his head on Ryan’s chest.

“So, was that worth two months of no new shoes?” Shane mumbled into Ryan’s chest. After receiving no response, Shane looked up to see a guilty look on Ryan’s face, the other purposely avoiding eye contact.

“Haha, of course it was. Or, it would be, if I didn’t have a pair being shipped in this week.” After an uncomfortable beat of silence, Ryan chanced a glance down at Shane, just in time to see him slowly sit up and stand from the bed. He watched as Shane slowly made his way to the shelves he had not too long ago been pinned against, eyes growing in horror as Shane made eye contact and slowly lifted his hand to the volume knob on the forgotten speaker.

“Wait wait NO SHANE DON-“

 

“C O M E O N A N D S L A M-“

**Author's Note:**

> I was bullied into reuploading this and will remain bitter about that until the day I die. But congratulations for making it all the way through! Thank you for reading, you can find me over at @wingatron on tumblr. Kudos and comments are always appreciated!!


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